I have my ‘Dusk’ playlist on now. It’s 8:15pm and really, it is night time. The days, they are getting shorter fast. Where it used to be light at this time a few weeks ago, now it is dark.
We are expecting some storms to come our way over the weekend and already, the winds of change have come. I am writing this by the window, which i have left open so i can listen to the wind and the way it stirs things up. My husband is at a pizza and movie night with the boys and Elisabeth is in bed- not asleep but nevertheless, quiet.
While having my shower, i thought about how weepy i’ve got today as the day has progressed. I love music and the way it gets to me. But tonight especially, i feel extra reflective. Every song on my playlist seems to open up certain closed up areas of my heart (now, Nights in White Satin by The Moody Blues which reminds me of my Dad.) and forces me to think and remember and long for and cry. Really, all i wanted to do tonight was watch Downton Abbey and have ice-cream!
I don’t have time during the day to think and be in tune with my soul but quiet nights like tonight allow me to do just that. What is the longing of my soul? What makes me unbelievably happy and sinks me to the depths of despair?
The other day, i thought of New York. You know, New York is never far from my mind. It has become part of me and i feel a connection to the place that i simply cannot explain. I thought of the city in winter and what it would be like to spend a winter there.
This morning, as i walked back home with Elisabeth in her stroller, i again thought of New York and what it would be like to be a somewhat famous writer who was invited there for a book signing. Flying business class, being met at the airport by a man with a sign bearing my name and getting ready in the hotel. I thought about the way i would text my husband when i got there and arrange for a skype session to speak to the kids. Because i think too much, my daydream also included planning how my husband was going to manage taking care of the kids and ferrying them to school and sports while working. Surely, we must call someone to come help out and cook decent food?
Elisabeth and i were at the library earlier this afternoon and i wondered if we had indeed read all the available books that were appropriate for her. But then i chanced upon three shelves next to the DVDs that were filled with books that i knew she would love. And that made me giddy with excitement. I think i may even have given an audible yelp. I am of course beyond happy when i find a book in the adult library that i cannot wait to get home and read but knowing that Elisabeth will also find wonderful, interesting books- this also makes me beyond happy. Books changed me and prevented loneliness from taking over when i was a teenager alone during recess. When i think of all the worlds that will be opened up to her as she reads and the way she can get lost in a good story if she is upset or angry, i feel a certain gratitude.
Today, in fact, i whispered a prayer: “Thank you, God for Elisabeth. Thank you that out of all the babies that could have been mine, you chose her for me. Thank you.” This child, she is so much like me in so many ways. We are both short-tempered and stubborn yet generous. And we love books. I see the way her forehead creases up as I read to her. She studies the illustrations carefully and i see the connections she is making in her mind at that very moment. She then asks questions or points things out that interest her. I answer her calmly but she doesn’t know that inside, my heart is doing a happy dance.