Woven & Spun

Winter is fast approaching and some thoughts on mothering

Mon, 13 May 2013 17:22:14 +1000

It is just past 5pm and already, it is getting dark. There are only a few more days of autumn left before winter hits us. July is probably the worst month here in Sydney. The cold seeps into your bones and hearts get heavy. But then August gets here and that first jasmine flower blooms and things don’t seem so bad after all.

I’ve got Sara Groves playing on my Spotify playlist and i’m reading everyone’s blog post on Mother’s Day. I just have this to say:

I think most of us mothers are trying to do our best bringing up our children in a world that is beautiful, yes, but also scary and judgemental. Whether you choose to do without drugs during your labour or want that epidural (“RIGHT NOW!”), whether you choose to bottle feed or breast feed, whether you co-sleep or prefer to have your child in a cot/crib, whether you choose to send your child to a public or private school- you really are doing your best. And some days, that’s all you can do.

Mothering is hard work and oftentimes, thankless. But to me, when my little girl is in her twenties a long, long time from now, and still wants to spend time with me and knows that my love is without conditions, when she loves others, is kind and gentle, when she is a good person even when no one is watching, i will know that i have done my job.

So, Happy Mother’s Day to you. Even if you are not a biological mum but have mothered someone (like my two beautiful aunts), Happy Mother’s Day to you. And thank you.

New neighbours

Sat, 04 May 2013 18:47:07 +1000

I live on the top floor in a block of eight apartments. Right next to our block, is a similar block of eight apartments and when we look out of our apartment, we see…another apartment. It doesn’t make for the best of views, looking into someone else’s living space. It always feels like i’m intruding somehow or that i’m seeing something i shouldn’t have seen.

But i have gotten used to it. Three weeks ago, the people who used to live in the apartment we look into moved out and in many ways, i was relieved. The lady used to walk around in her underwear which made for some uncomfortable viewing and i always imagined waving hello to whoever it was that lived in the house as i was washing the dishes (which would make it less uncomfortable), but that never happened. They just didn’t seem like those sort of people.

Today, i realised that there were moving boxes in the living room of that apartment. Ah-ha! New neighbours! From where i was sitting in the balcony, i noticed a pair of black Hunter boots sitting in a wicker basket that was faded from being out in the sun. When i saw that, i thought to myself, “Surely, these people are my sort of people.” The boots looked just right sitting there. Beautiful styling, new neighbours!

Now, we’ll see if i can wave to them in the next few days. We don’t have to be best friends but it would be nice to be friendly with the residents of the apartment we look into, especially when i can see the crumbs from their toast sitting on a plate on their kitchen counter.

I have only just discovered the world of reblogging. What a...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 17:05:41 +1000

I have only just discovered the world of reblogging. What a good, good world it is. Especially when you discover gems like this on someone else’s blog.

Sharing food is such a beautiful, primal concept and a cooking club is a fantastic idea. Very inspiring.

calbingham: The scene at Local 1205 in Venice. Photo by: Cal...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 16:41:30 +1000

calbingham:

The scene at Local 1205 in Venice.

Photo by: Cal Bingham

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This is my type of cafe!

It’s 4pm on a Tuesday afternoon. I just stuck my head out of the window and breathed in...

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 16:31:22 +1000

It’s 4pm on a Tuesday afternoon. I just stuck my head out of the window and breathed in deeply. The air smelled of damp earth (it has, after all, been raining for a few days) and my neighbour’s washing powder- clean and sweet and familiar.

I love it when it’s all quiet outside in the middle of the afternoon. The boys from the nearby school have gone home and i don’t need to hear snippets of their conversations.

The beautiful autumn light hits the steps to our block in such an inviting manner that i am tempted to make a cup of coffee and settle myself down in that patch of sun. Instead, i stay in the bedroom and watch the reflection of the leaves on my closet door. A person walks past, a car drives down the road. The birds have started calling out their nightly goodbyes for the day. I hear a mother sing and then ask her young son if he knows what they’re having for dinner.

The world always looks so much more beautiful after some rain, doesn’t it? Everything is fresh and feels like it’s been made new again. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a person who took no notice of these things. Life would surely be more dull.

These first autumnal days

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 15:22:49 +1100

The days, they are growing short. Everyday, i turn on the light in the kitchen a little earlier to start on dinner prep. I used to sit in the bedroom in the afternoons during summer and soak in the light that was streaming through the windows and into the room, onto the bed where i would be sitting with a book. I loved the 8.30 sunsets and the possibility of doing things at night (although almost every night in summer, i was home having dinner with my husband). But just the thought of those possible activities made me happy.

And now, it is Autumn. The past two mornings have been cool and crisp, unmistakably autumnal in nature. The leaves have slowly been turning brown and soon the trees will be bare. It’s a beautiful time of the year, isn’t it? As much as i will miss summer and days spent swimming in the pool, i am looking forward to the softer light and the slowing down that cooler weather requires.

There is nothing quite like waking up in the morning, opening the windows and feeling that bite in the air that makes a small shiver go through your still-warm-from-being-under-the-blankets body. That first cup of coffee tastes even more delicious and more necessary when it is cooler outside, especially when paired with a chocolate and salted caramel tart.

Yes Autumn, you are so welcome here.

Dusk

Fri, 22 Feb 2013 20:52:02 +1100

I have my ‘Dusk’ playlist on now. It’s 8:15pm and really, it is night time. The days, they are getting shorter fast. Where it used to be light at this time a few weeks ago, now it is dark.

We are expecting some storms to come our way over the weekend and already, the winds of change have come. I am writing this by the window, which i have left open so i can listen to the wind and the way it stirs things up. My husband is at a pizza and movie night with the boys and Elisabeth is in bed- not asleep but nevertheless, quiet.

While having my shower, i thought about how weepy i’ve got today as the day has progressed. I love music and the way it gets to me. But tonight especially, i feel extra reflective. Every song on my playlist seems to open up certain closed up areas of my heart (now, Nights in White Satin by The Moody Blues which reminds me of my Dad.) and forces me to think and remember and long for and cry. Really, all i wanted to do tonight was watch Downton Abbey and have ice-cream!

I don’t have time during the day to think and be in tune with my soul but quiet nights like tonight allow me to do just that. What is the longing of my soul? What makes me unbelievably happy and sinks me to the depths of despair?

The other day, i thought of New York. You know, New York is never far from my mind. It has become part of me and i feel a connection to the place that i simply cannot explain. I thought of the city in winter and what it would be like to spend a winter there.

This morning, as i walked back home with Elisabeth in her stroller, i again thought of New York and what it would be like to be a somewhat famous writer who was invited there for a book signing. Flying business class, being met at the airport by a man with a sign bearing my name and getting ready in the hotel. I thought about the way i would text my husband when i got there and arrange for a skype session to speak to the kids. Because i think too much, my daydream also included planning how my husband was going to manage taking care of the kids and ferrying them to school and sports while working. Surely, we must call someone to come help out and cook decent food?

Elisabeth and i were at the library earlier this afternoon and i wondered if we had indeed read all the available books that were appropriate for her. But then i chanced upon three shelves next to the DVDs that were filled with books that i knew she would love. And that made me giddy with excitement. I think i may even have given an audible yelp. I am of course beyond happy when i find a book in the adult library that i cannot wait to get home and read but knowing that Elisabeth will also find wonderful, interesting books- this also makes me beyond happy. Books changed me and prevented loneliness from taking over when i was a teenager alone during recess. When i think of all the worlds that will be opened up to her as she reads and the way she can get lost in a good story if she is upset or angry, i feel a certain gratitude.

Today, in fact, i whispered a prayer: “Thank you, God for Elisabeth. Thank you that out of all the babies that could have been mine, you chose her for me. Thank you.” This child, she is so much like me in so many ways. We are both short-tempered and stubborn yet generous. And we love books. I see the way her forehead creases up as I read to her. She studies the illustrations carefully and i see the connections she is making in her mind at that very moment. She then asks questions or points things out that interest her. I answer her calmly but she doesn’t know that inside, my heart is doing a happy dance.

A little bit of today

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 15:32:00 +1100

Right now, the windows are open and it is quiet outside except for a car or two going past. I am sitting in my bedroom listening to a radio station from back home, thanks to the wonderfulness that is Internet radio. I am reading the archives of a new blog i found- don’t you love it when you find a new blog and have the pleasure of reading about their days gone by? I do.

A half hour ago, i was sitting with my husband in the living room. The cricket was (well, it still is) on tv. I sat on the couch by the window with a cushion on my lap and my lunch on the cushion. I was reading The Mitford Bedside Companion, which has excerpts from all the Mitford books in addition to notes and essays from the author. Such a delightful, uplifting and positive book to have around. I made believe that the view from my living room window was of a field strewn with wildflowers instead of an ugly block of flats. I have to say that that made my reading even more enjoyable.

This morning, because of my husband having some time off work, i took myself for a walk down by the beach, without my favourite little girl to keep me company. It felt different to not have her by my side- different but good. I realise now that she has become a sort of crutch for me and i have come to depend on her not only for company but also to avoid facing my fears. Honestly, it was difficult for me to walk alone and not be consumed by a million anxious thoughts running amok in my head. The number one thought of course was that i was going to collapse from a weak heart, which did not make for a relaxing walk at all. I did manage to have time alone in a cafe after, which was much more pleasant and i thoroughly enjoyed my alone time then.

Back in the bedroom, Dan Fogelberg’s Same Auld Lang Syne is playing on the radio. I love that song and i guess December 27 is an apt time to play it, what with the new year approaching too quickly.

Reuben Hills on a Sunday morning.

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 13:17:00 +1100

Reuben Hills on a Sunday morning.

The moment the lights are turned on for the first time.

Mon, 03 Dec 2012 14:58:00 +1100

The moment the lights are turned on for the first time.

Ice-cream at Messina for a very hot first day of summer (i got...

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 22:01:46 +1100

Ice-cream at Messina for a very hot first day of summer (i got salted caramel with white chocolate and milk chocolate with peanut butter fudge).

I want to remember the simple restfulness of this moment: a...

Sun, 25 Nov 2012 12:19:47 +1100

I want to remember the simple restfulness of this moment: a cool, cloudy day; my favourite music on spotify; freshly brewed yorkshire tea with soy milk and a little sugar; Kinfolk Vol.4 on the iPad.

This moment will get interrupted soon enough when Elisabeth wakes up from her nap. But then comes a different sort of restfulness; the sort where you’re with your child and nothing else matters.

Both sorts, i love.

I get so envious this time of the year when i read the blogs of...

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 16:09:29 +1100

I get so envious this time of the year when i read the blogs of people residing in the northern hemisphere. Most of the bloggers on my google reader are American and i have been reading about Thanksgiving menu planning and Christmas decorations and even snow! These holidays must make the cold weather somewhat more bearable. Our winter season in Australia lasts from May to August and seems to go on forever- day after day of icy winds and runny noses- and i wish we had some festive holidays during that time to look forward to. I wouldn’t mind the cold so much if there was a big pine tree to decorate and carols to play or pumpkin pie(s) to make for the twenty people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. But no. We have the cold and i make do by reading about how my American friends are spending their summer.

I love the idea of Thanksgiving and all the traditions that accompany it. I especially love the idea of family and/or friends coming together to celebrate and give thanks and although it would be nice to do that more than once a year, it is also special to have one day set aside where families all over the country are giving thanks for love, life and other things like a job promotion or the lead in the school play or a new child. I imagine myself waking up in the morning with a smile on my face knowing that my neighbour next door will also be giving thanks that afternoon with her family and that my barista will be celebrating with his friends. I know i’m being idealistic but isn’t this the season for idealism and good thoughts?

I would love to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas in America one year. I will wear my red coat, cream-coloured scarf and brown boots and watch the skaters at Rockefeller Center with a cup of hot cocoa warming my hands and I will give thanks for everything that was before me and what is to come.

Birthday peonies.

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 15:19:11 +1100

Birthday peonies.

(Rushcutters Bay, Sydney. Sunday, November 18, 2012. ) I sat...

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 14:52:00 +1100

(Rushcutters Bay, Sydney. Sunday, November 18, 2012. )

I sat under a beautiful tree and soaked it all in- the sunshine, the sound of the leaves, the freshness of my surroundings and just being one with the world.

I do not want to take these things for granted: the long days;...

Fri, 16 Nov 2012 15:19:00 +1100

I do not want to take these things for granted: the long days; the beauty of the jacaranda tree outside my window and the way the soft purple petals fall to the ground ever few seconds; this cool, rainy day which makes writing and a pot of hot tea even more enjoyable; finding treasures in the children’s library- Last Term at Malory Towers, Little House on the Prairie and L.M.Montgomery’s Kilmeny of the Orchard (which i have never read)- they make me nostalgic for days gone by but also make me excited at the thought of my sweet girl reading them one day; and lastly this- this crazy, imperfect life full of desires and dreams and hope.

First swim of the season

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 21:58:06 +1100

I had my first swim of the season yesterday and let me tell you, it was COLD. There was a cool wind blowing and the water itself was icy. I think i was cold for a full hour after i got home and ended up needing a hot shower, a hot cup of tea and my winter home shoes to stay toasty. But still! It was a great to have that first swim over and done with because i build it up so much in my mind, especially during the darkest and coldest days of winter where warmer temperatures seem like a far-away dream and the thought of swimming in the ocean and being reinvigorated by the goodness of saltwater makes the yearning for summer even stronger. Now, i can just enjoy my swim and strengthen my back and feel happier.

Today, the waves were choppy and honestly, frightening at times. But the water temperature was beautiful and swimming among the waves proved to be good exercise. I felt so alive after my swim, a feeling that carried me through the rest of the day. I’m attributing it to all that magnesium in saltwater.

On anxiety

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 15:13:00 +1100

It is cold today and i am sleepy from having night after night of broken sleep. I go to sleep easily, so tired from dealing with and running after an almost two-year old. But about four hours later, i find myself wide awake and thinking. These thoughts (never good, productive ones unfortunately) lead to anxiety and a racing heart and then a plea to my very asleep husband to please rub my back or hold me tight so i can try to go back to sleep. About an hour or two later, i am asleep once more until either the alarm goes off at 6.30 or Elisabeth wakes up, whichever happens first.

I read an article in Vogue about the warning signs of heart disease in women and i seem to have all of them (sleep disturbances, high levels of anxiety, indigestion, etc.) Interestingly, most of the symptoms are similar to a person facing anxiety and panic attacks (and i have been battling these for many years). Just reading that article made me nervous. I am a 30 year old woman who leads a healthy lifestyle and don’t want to think about heart problems or death or dying. But there is always doubt, isn’t there? Young people do die of heart attacks. It happens.

Anxiety is an ugly thing and when you don’t nip it in the bud, it takes over your life- slowly at first. And then one day, you find yourself hesitating to go out because of the possibility of you collapsing on the streets without anyone to help you. One day becomes two days and then three. Three days of staying in the house because of fear. Having a child makes me go out everyday even when i don’t feel like it but i always check that i have my mobile phone with me. The phone has become my security blanket (if i feel like i’m about to collapse, i can call my husband and he can do something.) and i hate it. I want to be free.

Feeling trapped causes me to not do many things. I want to be a writer but i don’t write; i want to sew beautiful dresses but i don’t. Some days and better than others but i want all days to be better. And surely, that cannot be too much to ask for?

On my good days, i tell myself to throw away the excuses and just start. If i want to be a writer, i must write! If i want to sew, then i must take that sewing machine out and sew! It makes complete sense to me.

But when my chest is feeling tight and my heart is racing and i have a hundred different anxious thoughts going through my head, it’s all i can do to put one foot in front of the other.

On Maine and friendships

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 19:42:00 +1000

It is a Tuesday afternoon and the house is quiet except for the classical station playing on the radio. I look forward, as i am sure every stay-at-home parent does, to the quiet of the afternoon, when i can sit and type and eat or bake and read without a child needing something.

Today, as i was reading Joy the Baker’s blog, she talked about her trip to Maine. Reading her thoughts on the state, it made me want to visit. It seems like the sort of place i could live in for a while, especially if my visit included a stay in a house with a porch overlooking the sea. Wouldn’t that be incredible, to wake up to water right at your doorstep every morning? I bet even my morning coffee would taste better sitting on a front porch with a book and a kindred spirit.

Sometimes, i dream of having a close-knit group of friends. We would go for walks together, spend time with our families together over the weekend, have coffee after school drop-offs. You know the type of friends i’m talking about- the ones you can laugh with until your bellies ache and cry with when sorrows come. I guess this dream could become true but it just seems so hard. It doesn’t seem as easy to make friends now as it did when i was younger. Now, friends deal with illness, loss, regret, births and marriages rather than crushes, too much homework and overprotective parents. Friends expect more from you now than before and you expect more from them too. How could you not, considering so many of us live away from our families and depend on our friends to be family. But these expectations, in turn, mean that finding true friends can be difficult.

It doesn’t mean that i don’t dream. I do. I dream of Maine and a front porch, good coffee and the truest of friends. My dreams help me wake up in the morning and face another day; they help me deal with anxiety that threatens to consume me; they bring light to bleak days.

Today has turned into tonight. Elisabeth is in bed, a sausage and kale tart is cooling on the stove and there may be ice-cream after dinner. I will tell my husband of Maine and my desire to have a group of girlfriends and he will encourage me to keep on trying, as he always does for he believes in me and my dreams.

Yes.

Some good things

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 14:33:34 +1000

Some good things:

This recipe. Seriously good.
Smash, the TV show. I am hooked. Also, Modern Family which makes me laugh so hard that i cry.
Bondi Beach on a beautiful spring Sunday. Stunning.
Jasmine, wisteria and bright green leaves on previously bare trees. Absolutely beautiful.
This book, which i read before bed most nights. It has caused me to have so many revelations about my life.
And also this book which is beautifully written.
The fine food store in The Rocks. I meet Jon here for lunch sometimes as he works around the corner and the food is delicious. We get a small pot of soy chai to share at the end of our meal and it is consistently good.

It is springtime in the southern hemisphere and the days are getting noticeably longer. Swim season will be upon us soon, which is very exciting as we love swimming in the saltwater pool at the beach. I am also trying to figure out what to do with my life and am hoping that the beauty and newness of life that spring brings with it will help me gain some insight and perspective. I feel like i need to be doing something but i just don’t know what it is yet.